Strings attached

We read a book recently about a Halloween Party (Curious George of course) so today I was talking to my daughter about Halloween. We were thinking of costumes and I told her that she can go to people's houses and say "trick or treat" and they will give her candy. Her only question was whether she has to go potty on the toilet in order to get that candy. Um....yes, yes you do.

Today we had to drive 20 minutes to go to Whole Foods. I can't believe that, we live in the where Whole Foods started, you'd think they'd be all over the place and yet, no. The one nearest our house is small and located in a mall where traffic sucks so you can never go on a weekend because it's too crowded. But I had to go because they are the only place that carries my oatmeal. Seriously, get that oatmeal, it's so good. I'm trying to follow what Dr. Oz says these days and he's a big proponent of oatmeal. He also says you should have sex twice a week but I'm guessing he doesn't have a two year old who got up for an hour and a half the other night to talk and read books at midnight and then didn't sleep any later in the morning.

Also, here's something else that doesn't suck. The Brothers All Natural Freeze Dried Fuji Apples. We get the Disney ones at Costco and it's like $8 for a package of 20. I can't stop eating those things. The wee one loves them too. I've seen some people complain because they are made in China but I don't care if they are coated with a thin layer of lead and formaldehyde, they taste good and I've been eating them for a while and I'm not dead yet. I sort of think I have early onset Alzheimer's but really that preceded my apple consumption so they probably aren't related. And the other day as we drove home from the library someone in the back seat told me "I'm licking my library books" so I've got bigger issues than dried fruit from China.

Curious George

I'm not sure why I can suspend my disbelief in many children's books and television shows but not with Curious George. But he has been bugging the crap out of me recently. Let me break it down for you.

Curious George Feeds the Animals Book: George goes to the zoo to see some new exhibit. But the opening is delayed so he has to kill some time so he and the man with the yellow hat (TMWTYH) check out the zoo. They see a zoo keeper feeding the seals. That looks like fun George thinks. TMWTYH buys George some peanuts so he can have a snack. So of course he starts feeding the animals. A zoo keeper gets pissed at him and comes after him. George tries to hide from him by standing next to the sign pointing the way to the monkeys. The monkeys on the sign look just like George. The zoo keeper sees George and tells him that he's not supposed to feed the animals because they could get sick. Crazy part: The monkeys on the sign look just like George. How come the zoo keeper doesn't think that George is an escaped monkey from that zoo???

TV Show: Curious George goes for a rocket ride. TMWTYH is going to go to the space station and deliver some food to the astronauts there because they've run out of food. But as they are showing him how to drop off the food payload they discover that he can't press all 4 control buttons at once so he can't go on the mission. But wait! George has 4 hands, he can do it! So George gets go go into space. Crazy parts: They have a space suit that fits George. Including boots that are fitted around his monkey feet. They are also taking some things to send to the space station: a raccoon which they explain is so they can study the effects of space on it, some ants for the same purpose as the raccoon, and a container that they don't say what's in there. When they get into space George of course takes it out and it's filled with toys. Why are they taking toys into space? They didn't even know George was going so it's not for him. Are they for the raccoon? Because the raccoon seemed way more interested in the food.

And a general crazy thing about the show, people are always leaving George alone in some place like the train station master's office, a restaurant kitchen, or the band concert hall saying something like "well he can't get into any trouble in here." Is anyone else thinking - he's a MONKEY! He's nothing but trouble. The only place he's not going to get in trouble is in a bare prison cell and even then he's probably going to be throwing poop before long.

And what's with the arbitrary discipline of TMWTYH? He's very strict at enforcing bed time but that damn monkey is wandering the city alone most of the day.

Not a sign of things to come I hope

When my daughter wakes up in the morning she hangs out in her crib for a while and chatters then calls us when she's ready to get out. Except this morning I was abruptly awoken by the baby monitor relaying this "Mommy, I'm taking my pants off!" She said she didn't want a sleep sack last night (probably because she was plotting the de-pantsing all night) so she was pretty excited to have such free access to clothing for removal. Though I usually like to lounge a few minutes after I wake up I had to immediately go get her because I was afraid diaper might be next and good thing because (as usual) that diaper was full of poop. So I guess we're sliding right into the exhibitionist phase of toddlerhood.

I had an interesting facebook development yesterday. A guy I used to date sent me a friend request. A guy I dated for a year until he abruptly dumped me because he had decided to marry his friend's fiancee. It wasn't like he was the love of my life or anything but still, I felt betrayed. Especially when my friend's husband (who worked with this guy and had set me up with him in the first place) said "well I'm not surprised, he slept with his old girlfriend when we had that business trip to New York." I could tell by my friend's expression that this was the first time she had heard it too and she was pissed at her husband for not telling her. I accepted his invite because, who doesn't want the free access to see how things turned out? I've never seen the woman and I want a glimpse into his life. It's an interesting contrast to some of the other recent friend requests I've gotten. Like a guy I went to high school with but wasn't really friends with and don't ever even recall talking to him. And a guy from law school who I don't remember at all. I understand reaching out to old friends and people you lost touch with but people you don't really know? Just seems weird.

On to something more fun. Today's toddler sized non-suckiness. The toy site oompa.com has some really great stuff. Particularly these Haba blocks. My daughter got two sets of them when she was about 6 months old and she has been playing with them ever since. They're cool because they are brightly colored and some of the blocks have little surprises built in like a bell or kaleidoscope type filter. I love that they are a great toy that grows with your child, we've had bigger kids (aged 5-7) over and even they've even enjoyed building with them. The one downside is that they are equally appealing to our dog, we've fished several pieces out of his mouth so a few of ours have deep dog teeth gouges in them.

Job hunting

Honestly it would be my preference to stay home a while longer and ideally have another baby (that chuckling you hear, that's god). But since we've been without an income for a year, I have to suck it up and put myself out there and try to find something. But it's getting a little depressing. I'm sending resumes for jobs that are a perfect fit for me, I've let all my contacts know I'm looking, I'm finding connections through linkedin at the companies where I've seen positions. And nothing. I've even applied for jobs I'm way overqualified for, and part-time stuff that has health benefits. We're doing ok financially but it makes me sick to tap into our savings every month. I need to get a recession proof job like news anchor or comedy writer.

Oh and I read in the paper yesterday about a guy who I went to high school with. His family bought the Chicago Cubs and Wrigley Field. So I guess the recession hasn't really hit them so hard.

Ok my pity party is over, I took dinner to a neighbor last night who was in a head on collision a year ago with her kids (kids were ok) and was badly injured and has had many surgeries and just recently spent a month in the hospital with a staph infection. So I totally get that I am in very respects, fortunate.

But it is a bit aggravating to see people like that dumbass Nady Suleman making money. I happened to catch a few minutes of that show of hers the other night. The part I saw was where she was holding each baby up and saying something about their personality. I think 7 of the babies were crying and she didn't really even seem to notice, she'd just pick one up and say "this is mikayahahaia (i can't remember exact names), he/she is very thoughtful" and then she'd do something like try to have the baby stand up. It was ridiculous on so many levels. I think it's so strange when people try and assign all these very mature labels to their infants. Oh we call him the professor because he's always in deep thought. Really? I know babies probably understand more than we think they do but a 3 month old baby isn't solving quadratic equations in his head, he's thinking - should I cry or poop? Also, It seems to me that people who are trying to have an infant stand up and are smothering their face with kisses instead of perhaps trying to comfort them since they are crying and so are their 7 infant siblings might not be all that nurturing. There was also a scene where her 2'ish year old slapped her and called her a bitch. And where she was talking on the phone to someone and told them that her mom got sprayed by a skunk so she made her ride in the trunk and she drove fast and crazy and it was hilarious to hear her mom rolling around in the trunk. So yep, a whole lotta crazy. I must revisit my friend Charlie's theory on people like this. Stupid people have lots of kids (also stupid) because when they go out into the world not all of them are going to "stick." I think it's really Darwin's theory, by my Charlie's wording is funnier.

Cash for clunkers, appliance edition

There was something in the Wall Street Journal yesterday about a cash for clunkers type program that's been authorized for appliances. It's supposed to start this fall and will provide something like $200 toward the purchase of an energy star appliance. I was telling my mom this last night on the phone and she said "maybe I should get a new oven, or maybe a new dishwasher." "Oh I don't know, are you sure your dishwasher would qualify as a clunker?" I asked. When my mother stopped laughing hysterically we went through the various merits of each appliance. I think the oven is the original one from when the house was built 40 years ago. The dishwasher is not much younger.

The dishwasher:

• Has racks that have about 3 prongs on them, how do the prongs on a dishwasher rack go missing?
• The utensil basket has about 4 compartments that have melted through causing holes so when you put a knife in there it just falls right through.
• Because of the wonky racks and general design, the dishwasher hold about 3 plates and 8 cups and 2 place settings of silverware. So my mother is running it constantly and it's just her and my stepfather. And they eat out a lot.
• It gets ridiculously hot, to the point where it smells like melted rubber and plastic every time it is running.
• It is so loud that in order for my nearly deaf step father to hear the television above it he has to turn the tv on so loud the walls in the house shake. I suspect that the melty smell is whatever provides sound insulation.
• The lock on the dishwasher is broken so my mother uses the handle of one of her hair coloring tools (she likes to color her own hair about once a week) to lock it.

The oven:

• Is small, a 10 pound turkey takes up the entire oven.
• Doesn't appear to have any connection from the temperature you set it at and the internal oven temperature. Basically we put something in there and hope in a few hours it's done. My mother is the oven whisperer, she is the only one who can get something to bake the way it is supposed to despite having no way to gauge the temperature. Yes, she knows that they sell oven thermometers but the area in Target where they are located is too close to the endcaps of discount housewares and she always gets distracted.
• Has some part of every meal ever cooked in it on the bottom or side of it. I'm sure there's probably some theoretical self clean setting on it but the last time my mother tried it (many years ago) it started a fire.

We did agree that the dishwasher could pick up where the oven is lacking, it does get quite hot so perhaps you could cook things in there. Well not things that require crispiness but perhaps a little poaching.

Old School Sesame Street

Yesterday we went to the library to try yet again the disaster that is toddler story time. I love our local library, they had a great program called lap sit story time that we went to all the time when Ellie was a baby. Then when she started walking it was time to move to the next group. Except she was distracted by all of the other kids who had snacks (which is against the posted RULES of story time) and I think she just wasn't developmentally ready to sit still and listen to a book in a room crowded with children. So as to not disturb all of the other children, I decided to stop going until she got a little older. Well now she's old enough and can sit and listen to a book but is now distracted by all the other kids whose mothers can't figure out that if your kid runs around and climbs under the chairs the entire duration of story time, perhaps they aren't ready for it. I gave up half way through when the woman in front of us (grandma I think) continuously moved around (to locate her charge who had crawled behind something) and kept blocking Ellie's view of the book. Seriously lady, you're like 6 feet tall and you sit in the FRONT ROW of toddler story time directly in front of the librarian - did it occur to you that perhaps the children who are not quite half your height might not be able to see??

Anyway, I needed to pick up my book club selection for this month and I checked out a few videos. One of them was Old School Sesame Street. I saw Tina Fey discussing this a while back on Conan because there's a warning that it is for adult entertainment (?) use only and may not be appropriate for today's preschooler. Conan asked why and she said that the kids sing songs like "Let's all go into a stranger's house" and such. I myself am all for that kind of lesson because strangers usually have the best candy so I disregarded that warning and popped the DVD right in. Well it's AWESOME. And I'm not understating it. Not only is Ellie really into it but I'm pretty much entranced. We're watching it and up pops Judy Collins with a harpsichord singing a song. Judy Collins is my mother's favorite singer, I grew up listening to her (and to this day love her) and was named Suzanne because my mother so loved her version Leonard Cohen's song by that name. Also on these DVDs' - Paul Simon and Ray Charles. It is such a treat to watch, and I'm really getting into Roosevelt Franklin elementary school.

Speaking of that era, around the anniversary of the moon landing, Ellie got really interested in this youtube video of the moon landing. It's very cool but I was looking at those pictures and thought, I seriously cannot believe that the technology 40 years ago sent men to the moon and got them back to earth not dead. There's a picture of the astronauts walking to their rocket (or whatever the hell it's called) carrying some equipment and it looks like they are outfitted with equipment made of old vacuum cleaner parts.

Yes, it's EXACTLY like that

This morning I went to the grocery store and was behind a car that had this bumper sticker:

CHANGE is also what Germany wanted in 1932.

The CHANGE part was written in the style of the Obama campaign materials. I was so infuriated I was literally shaking. Yes, I believe in free speech and that means protecting the speech you find most abhorrent. Well I guess this is a good test because it is ignorant, irresponsible, and disrespectful to compare (even in these lovely veiled terms) Barack Obama to Hitler. The comparison has been thrown around a lot lately - "you know who didn't allow opposition to be heard at rallies - HITLER! You know who had 'death panels' - HITLER!"

It disrespects the memory of the 11 million people who died under Hitler's hand to make these comparisons. It's disrespectful of this country's president to make such a horrid comparison. And I would have said the same thing if anyone had called Bush Hitler. Inflammatory rhetoric advances no one's cause. If you don't agree with the president's policies or positions, fine. Respond in an appropriate and effective manner, point out the LOGICAL reasons why you don't agree.

And before you say someone is like Hitler, go visit the Holocaust Museum. See the faces of the children who perished in concentration camps. Look at the shoes removed from people before they were sent to their deaths. See a railcar that contained entire families who were killed. And then honor those people by not trivializing the evil that Hitler was by making such flippant comparisons.

Baby monitor chatter

When the little one goes down for her daily nap, it's somewhat entertaining to listen to her chatter away. Today she was talking about her camera. We gave her one of our old digital ones but I wouldn't let her take it to bed with her. She did her usual roll call and named all her friends and family members. After about 45 minutes she was still jumping around and not sleeping so I went in to see if she had poopy pants. That's usually how it goes, she waits until nap time to poop but then can't fall asleep because she has poop. So I went in there and asked her if she had poopy pants and she said "yes, that's what I'm talking about." Uh, actually that's NOT what you were talking about. I've told her if she poops to just call me and I'll come change her. But no, she screams every single other thing she can at me (I want: a book, water, blanket, etc) but never poop. I hope scientists are not spending any time trying to unlock the secrets of the 2 year old's mind because all they will find is that their little brains are almost completely focused on candy and coloring on something forbidden. Spend those research dollars on zero calorie delicious cupcakes I say.

How about a little non-suckage today? In the interest of full disclosure I never get paid to talk up stuff I like. Because I am not a popular mommy blogger. Believe me I'd take free swag were it offered. Onward. I am a big fan of sleep sacks. Up to this point (yes they make them big enough for a 2 year old!) we've been using the HALO ones and I'm pretty happy with them. We have a fleece one and a cotton one. But when I saw that Aden and Anais had come out with some I had to try one. Ellie was a summer baby so I used the A&A muslin blankets and loved them. Now I'm just as happy with the sleep sack as I was with the blankets. The lightweight material is perfect for summer (endless, hot, miserable summer) in Central Texas. The material gets softer after each wash and we bought the XL and Ellie has plenty of room to grow. They get two thumbs up here.

Just when you think she's reached rock bottom

Really I didn't think Sarah Palin could get any dumber. Or annoying. And yet, with her facebook posting yesterday she really managed to exceed my expectations. The expectations that she might have a kernel of common sense (she's a runner, I gave her a point for that). But alas, she seems to have none. Here's what she said:

"And who will suffer the most when they ration care?" Palin asks. "The sick, the elderly, and the disabled, of course. The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil.

Yes Sarah, such a system is downright evil. It is not however, one that is proposed by HR 3200. The provision that Palin (and other misinformeds) cite is on page 425. What the provision actually does is ensure that Medicare will pay for doctors' time used in VOLUNTARY counseling sessions initiated at a patient's request to discuss advanced health care planning such as advance directives, living wills, and powers of attorney and to discuss end of life services such as palliative care and hospice. Isn't that awful? That the government would pay for and therefore encourage people to have an open dialogue with their health care provider about their own health?

I'm a realist. I know I'm going to die. And so will my parents. But I for one would like to ensure that my wishes are known to my family and my doctor and I would like to know my parents' wishes. I was reading an article about all of this and living wills and a priest was quoted as saying that he's told his family that he doesn't want to live beyond the point where he is unable to say one more prayer, give one more hug, and drink one more martini. That's the guy I want performing my last rites.

Here's the deal, there's a lot of misinformation being circulated about the health care bill in the House right now. It won't be a perfect solution, nothing ever is. I think I'm emotionally invested in the whole thing because since my husband and I lost our jobs we are not eligible for group health coverage, and I have been turned down by several companies for individual health coverage because I have a history of infertility. So I pay for Cobra and pay 3 times the combined amount that my husband and daughter pay. And what do I do when Cobra runs out? If you are opposed to the solutions being proposed in the House now and you HAVE group health coverage think long and hard about what YOU would do if you lost your job tomorrow.

Until I met a man who had no feet

I was going to write a post about how my dog has made it his mission in life to ensure that I never again have a night of restful sleep. About how he likes to sleep with his head on my pillow and breathe right on my face. Probably because I was the one who never wanted him in the bed, never allowed him in the bed. Then I got married and had to go to Brazil for work for two weeks and when I came back my spot in the bed had been overtaken. I was going to write about how he likes to get up around 5:00 a.m. and do his obsessive scratching thing for about 20 minutes, enough to wake us up and guarantee that we won't be getting any more meaningful slumber because the child will be awakening within the hour. Or my favorite thing that he does, after spending 2 hours or so sleeping in the bed without moving, waits until I am just drifting off to sleep and sidles right up next to me to have his obsessive paw licking session.

And then I spent an afternoon with my friend who has newborn twins and a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I have no place to complain about sleep ever again. She and her husband walk around sort of like people who have just been in a bus accident and are wandering away from the wreckage, glad to be alive but not quite sure what's happened. She's breast feeding them both and pumping for every nursing session so if she's lucky she gets 2 consecutive hours of sleep in chunks all night. So for all of you moms of twins out there, you rock. There should have been a little something in the federal stimulus package to send you all for a night at a resort for a solid night of sleep.

How about a little something that doesn't suck. In case there were any question about my sanity, I think that fact that I signed up for a fall marathon without really putting a lot of thought into the fact that I'd have to be doing long runs in the central Texas heat is evidence that I've got a screw loose. But I'm not a quitter, so I'm putting in my miles (slowly and plenty full of complaints). Without this fuel belt, I would surely die. And I am not speaking figuratively here. The fuel belt is awesome, I can carry with me 32 ounces of gatorade and some gels. I freeze the gatorade (which has pretty much defrosted about an hour into the run) and it has an added benefit of keeping me cool for a bit. So if you are a distance runner or have aspirations to be, get one of these. If you are not a runner, you should be. Runners rule.

Recipe for ideal play date

Yesterday I re-tooled my play date formula and I've hit upon the perfect way to have one of these things. I give you the "really slow on the uptake mom's play date recipe" meaning it took me about 10 bad play dates to figure this out.

1. Instead of having 15 kids, have like oh, 3.
2. Don't invite those kids that spend the whole time beating the crap out of the other kids.
3. Don't invite those kids who spend the time not beating the crap out of the other kids smearing chocolate hand prints on your walls, pouring the bubbles out of the bubble jar onto your floor, or tracking mud throughout the house.
4. You will find that the kids in #2 and the kids in #3 are the same kids.
5. Serve mojitos.
6. Fill up that giant kiddie pool you got for $8 at Walgreens for 75% off, give those kids access to the hose, some sand, cookies, and juice boxes and you've got yourself about an hour of uninterrupted mojito and gossip time.

Yes, someone will probably be crying about something at some point during your play date, just ignore them and go back to that mojito, they are very likely not bleeding or in danger of losing an eye.

Wal*Mart Demographics

Have you seen the Wal*Mart commercial where the woman says that she just figured out that she could save money by making breakfast at home instead of spending $5 on breakfast at a drive thru? Is the title of this campaign "let's market to the stupidest fucking people on the planet?" Seriously are there people out there who, only when confronted by a Wal*Mart commercial, realize that you can make food at home instead of going out?

What's next in this brilliant marketing campaign? The "hey instead of looking for a port-o-potty in the park why not use the toilet right there in YOUR HOUSE" pitch for toilet paper? Or the "yes, the liquor in the paper bag offered by the homeless guy is free but why not get your own bottle of Thunderbird and enjoy it all by yourself in the comfort of your own home instead of under that bridge" pitch. Perhaps appeal to those do it your selfer parents "sure masking tape and paper towels will the job done but why not try some DIAPERS" campaign.

I like straight talk, how about simply "this is where to get your crap for cheap" or, "sorry there isn't a Target out here in the boonies, suck it up and come to Wal*Mart" because those are the only two reasons anyone ever goes to wal*mart anyway.

Do the right thing

Yesterday my friend tells me that her sister in law is pregnant. Her 28 year old sister in law who despite having a college degree has really never been gainfully employed and spent most of her adult life partying, taking drugs, drinking, and smoking. She has apparently been off drugs for a couple of years now but still does drink and smoke. The story gets better. She's pregnant with twins. The father of the babies is married. And his wife is pregnant. I asked if she had considered adoption and my friend said that she had said she wanted to "do the right thing" and keep the babies.

She has no job, no money, no health insurance, and no home of her own (her mother recently took her in but told her she needs to find her own place when the babies are born). She mooches off various family members who enable her and give her money, a job here and there, and a place to stay. At least she's doing the "right thing" though and keeping her babies and raising them herself. Yes, this is all going to work out really well.

Food porn

Why doesn't the food network just go ahead and call their lineup after about 7:00 food porn? Last night I happened upon a show called "The Best Thing I Ever Ate." This show is surely the thing that will push my husband toward my involuntary committal or admission to an assisted living facility. I was watching the show about sweets and Duff (Ace of Cakes guy) was showing this dessert called CMP - chocolate, marshmallow, peanuts and really if you saw it you'd know why I was sitting semi-comatose muttering "I want to go to there" and drooling while I was huddled up next to an atlas trying to determine just how long it would take me to drive to Baltimore if I were to jump in the car RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

Moving on. We had house guests this weekend, a very good friend of mine and her two year old son. The kiddies had a great time playing and trying to impress each other. The kids are only 3 months apart and when we were pregnant we joked about how we would be setting up an arranged marriage for them. Anyway there's an awesome pool near our house with lots of stuff for smaller children so we planned to go there on Friday and of course it was the one day out of the past 3 months it was threatening to rain here, not actually raining just menacing clouds and thunder but enough to spook the pool officials into closing. So back we trudged on Saturday and found as we entered the pool area that no one was in the pool. Hmmm, that's odd. Then we got the scoop. They found poop in the pool. To be more precise poop in a swim diaper. Ok, how does that happen exactly? Have you ever had a swim diaper fall off your kid? I'm always wrestling with it to rip it off.

How about something that doesn't suck? As I've mentioned, oh about a thousand times, it's hot here (hottest July on record to be more precise). We are always conscious of making sure the little one stays hydrated so we fill sippy cups with ice only to have to deal with the ice melting and the bottle sweating. But this foogo thermos with a straw is perfect. It keeps drinks cold a ridiculously long time, the ice was still in tact a few hours after I put it in, and it doesn't sweat. The straw isn't one that's too tough to drink out of either so if you have a kid who hasn't mastered the straw totally or doesn't want to work that hard, they can totally figure this one out.