Oh my god we're all going to die

There is one smug member of our family secretly enjoying the swine flu outbreak as it justifies his barrel of hand sanitizer purchase from Costco.  I'm already bored with the coverage and the imagination free graphics pickers, really how many pictures of people in surgical masks do we need to see?  It's nice that we've been distracted from the usual "The economy...it sucks" lead stories but I'm not all that freaked out by swine flu.  Because really, there are so many other freaky things to fear.  Here's my top 5

1.  The brain eating amoeba.  I did a triathlon last summer in a lake that was pretty warm.  After the race I went home and spent the next 2 weeks waiting for my brain to ooze out my ears.  It didn't, but still, this thing is SCARY.

2.  Getting trapped underwater in my car.  Every time it rains here, they have many warnings about not driving on roads covered with water because inevitably someone is swept away.  I have one of those hammer things in each car to break the car windows and I mentally rehearse getting my daughter out of her car seat should this happen to us.  Which is unlikely because Mr. Hand Sanitizer likes us to stay at home when it rains, just in case (he was perhaps raised in a large inflatable bubble, I have yet to confirm).

3.  Bears.  I don't even live in bear country and yet the thought of them totally freaks me out.  Especially since there's no consensus on whether you should run away or play dead if you encounter one.  

4.  Bats.  Bats are big here.  And bats are the biggest carriers of rabies.  Did you know that you need to have rabies shots if a bat is found in a room where you've been sleeping because you can get bit in your sleep and not realize it?  This happened to my former nanny.  So I keep thinking that a bat might be in my bedroom, hiding and biting me.  And I'll realize it too late to get rabies shots.

5.  The WaterPik.  I do not have the requisite skills to operate this machinery.  I just spray water all over the bathroom.  I even sprayed water directly in my eye.  And that really hurt.  They really should put a safety goggle warning in the directions.